Here it is: the classic "first post" post

Greetings, first subscribers! Thank you for being early adopters, and jumping on the Midlife Meltie bandwagon — I am super, super grateful for your support.

Wanna know what’s been the most difficult part of launching this whole thing? Contrary to what you might expect, it hasn’t been generating ideas, or preparing upcoming content — it’s been deciding on a project handle, as those of you who follow me on IG, uh, “witnessed” yesterday…and most vexing of all, putting together this DANG KICKOFF POST.

After a few drafts, I’ve come to a realization: no matter what I write about — or how I write about it — this initial newsletter is gonna give major Inaugural Post Cringe™.

Inaugural Post Cringe™ is a phenomenon that can occur while launching a new online project or profile — and trying to seem natural and non-chalant during said launch. It’s kinda like the digital equivalent of putting together your outfit for the first day of high school…you’re trying to set a vibe, while not appearing as though you’re wearing a brand-new TNA sweatshirt that your Mom very obviously bought you for the occasion. In your head, you wanna be effortlessly cool like Erin Wasson, or Yara Shahidi…but instead, you end up feeling like Andy on her first day. Dark times indeed.

So now that you remember that feeling, know this: IPC™ is even WORSE than dressing for the first day of class, or your dream job in fashion. Why? Well, not only are you trying to figure out your style — you’re the only one who’s doing it, and a pile of people you know are all watching you, fully aware that it’s your “first go”. Insert crumple face emoji here.

So how does one conquer IPC™? By just getting it over with. Here’s some real-time footage of my conscious brain giving my ego a pep talk, as I press “Publish”:

How did the phenomenon known as Inaugural Post Cringe™ begin? Here’s a refresher, in case you’ve blocked this seminal chapter of digital history from your memory.

Fifteen-ish years ago, people, companies, and organizations across the world — regardless of their status, net worth, power, or fame — all utilized an identical “strategy” to announce their arrival on a new platform called Twitter: by quaintly announcing that their first tweet was their first tweet. It didn’t matter if you were Pepsi’s corporate account, a curious soccer mom from Huntington Beach, or even another social media platform like MySpace — you just signed up, used your 140 characters to share something like, “Hey u guys! This is my first official tweet!!!” and then kept it movin’.

This might sound unbelievable now — but remember that in the late 2000s, there were no content calendars or social media software tools, and many CMOs didn’t understand or value social media at all. In fact, at most big brand-led companies, “digital” teams were small off-shoots from marketing orgs, and were typically looped into projects as an afterthought, as opposed to being a strategic partner.

Not only was the online content of this era deliciously homespun — it was also the first time us normies had insight into which celebs and brands just naturally “got it”, and had style right out of the gate…and conversely, who had the swagger of a limp handshake (hi, Ashton Kutcher). My fave first tweet? This banger from the Penguin himself:

Here’s the moral of this long-winded story: if a legend like Danny DeVito can transcend Inaugural Post Cringe™ by nonchalantly talking about a burning case of deez nuts, then perhaps I should chill the f*ck out and stop neurotically re-writing the welcome post for my tiny newsletter. Onwards.

What inspired me to start this newsletter.

This revelation will come as no surprise to anyone who has seen my rambling IG content over the last while: I’ve been craving a place to share long-form content. While I sincerely appreciate dank memes and snack-sized info, some topics warrant more detail (and better formatting) than what a summary on IG stories can accomplish. From now on, this is where I’ll be sharing medium- and long-form content.

It could be that my thirst for launching a 2000s-esque blog has been subconsciously inspired by the well documented, Saltburn-fueled Sophie Ellis-Bextor renaissance. Or perhaps I’m under the influence of the 20-year trend cycle that has a chokehold on mainstream fashion retail, as evidenced by the return of early aughts sartorial staples like low-rise jeans (children, listen to your elders: THIS IS A MISTAKE) and the world’s most foolish garment: the shrug! Apologies in advance to your frigid torsos and constricted traps.

How often I’ll be sharing, what I’ll be sharing, and where I’ll be sharing.

To begin with, I’m going to publish newsletters via email Monday through Thursday at 8:00am PST. These newsletters will include a summary of trending topics and current events, accompanied by short- and medium-form analysis, depending on the subject matter. Topics will range from the deeply unserious to the serious, and everything in between…just like real life, ya know? If you have feedback on the timing, content, or cadence of these newsletters, DM me on Instagram — I’d love to hear your thoughts.

In addition, I’m also going to use this platform to share longer essays and entries, as well as Spotify playlists, and some other fun stuff. For now, I’ll be sharing this type of content on an ad-hoc basis — but in the future, this will likely change into a more regular cadence.

And lastly, because it’s 2024, not 2008 (probably a good thing…that summer was A LOT), I’ll also be sharing dank homemade memes and some culture posts on Instagram. I’ll also eventually break things down over on TikTok, but I’m not posting there yet — I’ll let ya know when that happens, okay? I’ve gotta take this one platform at a time, because if I don’t, I’ll be eating 20 mgs of edibles a day breathing in a paper bag. Baby steps, people.

To see content moving forward, please subscribe and pay — four clams a month.

This first newsletter is open and free for all of you to read — but moving forward, these will be behind a paywall. Listen, I get it…paid subscriptions are annoying. I’m with you. But in order to justify the time it takes me to put these bad boys together, I need to charge a small fee to subscribers. That’s why I’ve made the price super reasonable: $4.00 CAD a month for four newsletters a week, freshly delivered into your inbox — cheaper than a latte, but more expensive that a cup of drip. Because midlife melties (and interest rates) call for midlife pricing, I think we can all agree.

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Thanks for reading…they won’t all be this long and neurotic, Guide’s Honour. Have an amazing Wednesday.